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Dictators Discuss... Popular Music
 
Your panel this week is:

Ho Chi Minh Benito Mussolini Fidel Castro
 


Ho Chi Minh: Today is a great day for the world. Travis release a new single. I might buy CDs 1 and 2.

Mussolini: You would.

Ho Chi Minh: What is that supposed to mean?

Mussolini: You effeminate swine, Nguyen. This gentle music is destroying our fascist glory. We need stirring, rousing anthems of the kind made by Skunk Anansie.

Ho Chi Minh: Benito, I had no idea you liked Skunk Anansie.

Mussolini: Until they split, I enjoyed them immensely. Now I must content myself with Billy Bob Thornton. He is more than just an actor you know.

Ho Chi Minh: Pah! I spit on your Billy Bob Thornton, American pig. The New Acoustic Movement it what I believe in. Castro is in on it too.

Mussolini: Castro?! That cannot be so.

Castro: It is indeed true. Starsailor rule!

Mussolini: But Fidel, I thought you were into the Manic Street Preachers. You were on TV with them.

Castro: To my shame.

Mussolini: You even said they were louder than war.

Castro:Well I thought they were. Jesus Christ do you honestly think I can remember how loud war was? It has been over forty years. I thought that might be a polite way of getting them to turn the volume down or maybe off. But no they seemed to revel in it. A pneumatic drill can be louder than war too and I would not listen to a pneumatic drill for enjoyment.

Ho Chi Minh: From what I remember of war, I prefer it to the sound of those Welsh socialists.

Mussolini: Bah! You fools! The Manic Street Preachers are an excellent band. Even a committed fascist like myself can enjoy the genius of the great Nicky Wire. Such affinity with the bass. Such wise political comment!

Castro: Come now Benito. This man wears a skirt, you cannot seriously admire him.

Ho Chi Minh: Fidel has a point. Wire is dire.

Mussolini: Do I care if this man wears a skirt? So does your wife and she cannot play bass.

Ho Chi Minh: That's not entirely true, she once guested with the Turin Brakes, I forget the track. Shall I retrieve the CD to find out which?

Mussolini: (ignoring him) In any case this Nicky Wire is often quoting me. 'Brain dead mother fuckers' - straight out of my collected speeches.

Castro: Sure it was Benito. Just like all the Clash lyrics were.

Mussolini: But they were! Although London Calling was originally about Bologna.

Ho Chi Minh: On a more sensible note, has anyone heard the new track from Nickelback? It is fantastic! It is almost as exciting as early Ocean Colour Scene.

Castro: That cannot be.

Ho Chi Minh: If the rest of their album is half as good, it will be the best release of the year.

Castro: Aren't you forgetting Starsailor, or was that last year?

Mussolini: And Billy Bob? Why do we not talk about Billy Bob? In fact we never do.

Castro:Could it be because he is horseshit? I wipe my bottom with Billy Bob. The CD is quite dirty now.

Ho Chi Minh: Not to worry Fidel. I'm sure there are many more copies in, the sale - of every shop. Even in Vietnam where we have government price fixing, we have to put his CD cheap. Central planning cannot boost his sales.

Castro: See Benito, we are talking about Billy Bob.

Mussolini: You arrogant poofs! Billy Bob is always top of the charts in Italy.

Ho Chi Minh: Yes, but why is that? Not liking to question the independence of record charts in your fascist dictatorship but I have a feeling there has been some fixing going on.

Mussolini: Nonsense. He is loved by the whole nation.

Ho Chi Minh: You see I find that a little hard to believe. If nobody else likes him then why should every single Italian?

Mussolini: He doesn't get the radio play in other countries. I never hear him on XFM or even Virgin. That ginger bollocks!

Castro: I don't think Chris Evans is on Virgin now.

Mussolini: No I meant Mick Hucknall. I hear him always on Virgin. Never Billy Bob.

Ho Chi Minh: A good thing too. I believe this Virgin they have many listeners.

Castro: I am one of them. This Internet is a wonderful thing. And on Virgin they don't repeat a song from 9 till 5.

Ho Chi Minh: That is marvellous. How do they do it?

Castro: I am not sure. I don't think they do really.

Ho Chi Minh: But surely..

Castro: Think about it. Who in their right mind would listen to the station for eight solid hours?

Mussolini: I would not listen for eight solid minutes.

Castro: I am sure they can safely repeat after a couple of hours. Even I am bored by then.

Ho Chi Minh: Well, if you think that is boring you should listen to the radio we have. It is dreadful, I hardly ever hear Coldplay.

Mussolini: What is so dreadful about that? Maybe some of you communists aren't so bad. I would rather hear the Socialist International than 'Yellow.'

Castro: Benito, it seems this New Acoustic Movement has really got to you.

Mussolini: I consider it worse than Bolshevism.

Ho Chi Minh: I remember, back in Nam ..

Mussolini: Oh please, not another of your Nam stories, Nguyen. We're quite sick of them.

Ho Chi Minh: But they were such an integral part of my life, I can't just hide them away. When I first saw Full Metal Jacket you wouldn't believe the effect it had on me.

Castro: $10 ought to have cured it, eh?

Ho Chi Minh: Typical Fidel, just like you to turn things crude.

Mussolini: Come on guys. We aren't here to rake up the past. What do people think of Papa Roach?

Ho Chi Minh: Not a lot.

Castro: In my country we have a saying. 'Only a drunken leper whore would buy anything by Papa Roach.'

Mussolini: I don't believe you have such a saying.

Castro: I assure you we do.

Mussolini: What, in Cuba are the people all as pathetic as you with your Starsailor?

Castro: Oh ducky, ducky...

Mussolini: Il Duce to you.

Castro: ...when will you learn that real men can listen to gentle acoustic rock without compromising their masculinity? Did you know that our guerrilla war campaign was soundtracked by Perry Como?

Mussolini: What bollocks.

Ho Chi Minh: It's probably true. The Vietcong subsisted on only the Carpenters for over a decade - although there were reports of self inflicted wounds.

Mussolini: Well my men relied on Roman marching music. I'm surprised your revolutions got past your own bedrooms.

Castro: But Benito, need I remind you of the conclusion to your own fascist reign?

Mussolini: You shut your mouth. This is not anything to do with it.

Ho Chi Minh: Come on Fidel, it's not sporting to upset these Europeans. They're very sensitive about being overthrown.

Mussolini: Communist pigs! I knew you guys were mean.

Castro: How did we end up talking about history again? It always happens.

Ho Chi Minh: It was because we were talking about Papa Roach.

Mussolini: Ah, yes Papa Roach. They are a very good band. (sings rather out of tune) 'Oh cut me into pieces. This is my last resort.'

Castro: I can't take this man's musical taste. It is worse than his politics.

Mussolini: At least my daddy was a sober man.

Castro: What.

Mussolini: I heard you. You were singing before, 'my daddy was an alcoholic.'

Castro: Fool! That was a song by Starsailor.

Mussolini: I might have known. I cannot believe the Manics ever spoke to you.

Ho Chi Minh: I can't believe he let them. Your border controls are normally more efficient than that aren't they Fidel?

Castro: Oh Nguyen, if you knew how hard I tried to keep them out! But they wouldn't stop nagging me. And one of them had a degree and kept outwitting me.

Mussolini: That would be Wire, a smart man.

Castro: And they went on about this man Robeson who had tried to come before. In fact I remember he was nearly as tricky to keep out as the Manics but the Americans were more helpful in those days.

Ho Chi Minh: Why not invite Starsailor?

Castro: Well I try but they are scared of flying and one of them had fever.

Mussolini: I think they are all suffering - from being rubbish.

Ho Chi Minh: May I remind the world that this man likes Papa Roach.

Mussolini: So what about it? I like your wife too and she doesn't sell millions of records world-wide.

Ho Chi Minh: Actually she does, under the pseudonym Garth Brooks. She's very successful.

Castro: So put that in your 1945 and smoke it.

Mussolini: I've had enough of this discussion. I'm going for a drink. Do you guys want to come to? We can go to Feet First after.

Ho Chi Minh: I think that's a proposal we can all agree on.

Castro: Has anyone got flyers?